Secret Entrance

Evelyn wrapped her arms around herself, not daring to look him in the eyes. "W-what's th-the p-problem...?" she repeated again, not sure what else to say to him. Sober? She was practically sober right now. It wasn't like she was passed out drunk on the cavern floor... Yeah, she took a sip or a shot here and there, but who was it hurting? He'd never even noticed until he tasted it on her lips. "W-why do you care w-what I d-d-drink?"

She hadn't even given him the courtesy of an answer, and that had to be the worse she response she could've possibly gone with. Jason shook his head in disbelief as she went on, defensively asking the same questions. It felt then like he was trying to reason with a brick wall. "Aren't you supposed to be the smart one here?" He asked with an exasperated look on his face. "Come on, Eve, you know this can't be good for you." He'd already said he was worried about her. Shouldn't that have been enough?

Yeah, of course they'd shared that bottle in Glacier, but that was different. They were just being stupid and having fun. There had been a few times like that since then too, but he didn't think nothing of them. All those times he caught her alone with a bottle or a flask came to mind, and he started feeling guilty that he'd never cone to mind it before. "Why are you drinking in the first place?"

If he gave her a good response, then maybe she wouldn't have been asking the same thing over and over again. Seriously, what was his problem? Since when was he so self-righteous? He'd drank before, plenty of times, and she was sure that bottle of vodka hadn't been his first taste. Even since then, he'd gone to that Halloween party, and plenty of other places without her. And now, right here, was the first time he cared? Or what, did he not notice? Or did he just forget?

A wave of rhetorical questions and sharp comebacks came to her mind, but she couldn't put a voice her words. "B-because I w-w-want to..." It was her comfort, her courage, her confidence, her self-esteem, everything that kept her sane. It was her anchor. Her routine. Some days, she thought she was starting to like the taste. Did it matter why? The conclusion was the same either way; it was fine, she was fine, and no one should care either way. It felt good. It made her happy. So why couldn't he just be obliviously happy for her?

The difference between the two of them was that Jason never drank on a daily basis - or hell, even a weekly basis. Occasionally at a party or if Evelyn had ever happened to bring something out for the two of them to share, which he never really second guessed either. Everything in his gut still told him to drop the entire subject. He hadn't come here at all to argue with her, and it was in his nature to avoid any drama. It was one of the reasons he enjoyed being around her so much in the first place: she never tried to to usher him around or gossip or start stupid shit. They only time they ever really argued is when Jason was keen on doing something stupid. That probably sounded terrible, but it was true.

He let out a heavy sigh, pinching the bridge of his nose. Funny how the Winter was refusing to listen to any reason for once. "Alright then," Jace said, sounding strangely bitter, unlike him. "So long as you swear there's no problem... Promise me you'll try to take at easy from now on at least?" The blond leaned back against the cavern wall, "I don't want anything happening to you."

The suddenly foul mood brought foul thoughts along with it. There had been bad news he'd been meaning to share with her, and wanted to talk to her about it in a better situation, but it didn't seem like that was happening anymore. It wasn't a conversation he could put off any longer either.

What had gotten into him?

That was the only she could think right now. Her hands fell limply to her sides, and she couldn't do anything else but stare at the ground. Life since that night in Glacier... no, since that rainy day in the Cafe, had been a dream. He'd been everything she'd ever wanted in someone else; not just someone she loved who loved her back, but a friend, someone she always thought she could lean on. It was cheesy, but those were her feelings. Things had gone by too smoothly so far. Maybe she was stupid in letting her guard down. Something like this was bound to come up sooner or later.

He kept saying all this, but why did it matter?

It was a bit of beer to keep her courage up, not a drug addiction. He could ramble on about how worried he was about her, but he was Jason Wright. Everything came easy to someone like him, and he'd never be able to understand drinking for what it was to her; a crutch, an anchor, a safety net. Even if she fucked things up somehow, at least to herself, she could blame it on the alcohol. All the other times, she felt brave, she felt cool, she felt like... well, how he normally must've felt. For a heartbeat, there was pang of bitter envy in her chest, the same bitter envy she'd felt her entire life while watching the world pass from the sidelines.

She immediately felt guilty.

"It... i-it isn't a p-p-problem..." she whispered. Was that her promise, or her defiance? Evelyn couldn't even tell.

The young man watched her waves in place, arms limp at her sides and her gaze glued to the ground. He noticed he couldn't see her face hidden behind her messy hair. He hated seeing her like that, but he couldn't bring himself to feel bad about it; not knowing the reasons it came to this in the first place. The fact that she seemed so oblivious to the issue herself only made it all worse. "Okay, Snowflake." He muttered, stuffing his hands in his pockets.

Things seemed far too quiet then in the stillness of that cavern. Jace tried to find the right words to say then, but nothing came easily. "There's something we need to talk about," he muttered finally. "I'll be graduating at the end of the semester. And after that..." He frowned, "My dad wants to ship me off to Europe, to work with the school there for a few months."

Evelyn knew awkward silences too well.

She had her gift, but she wasn't invisible. Not all the way, anyways. Sometimes people would bump into her, and sometimes people would try to chat. It never ended well. Getting caught in a conversation was like speaking through someone else's mouth, with someone else's thoughts in your head, like you were staring at yourself from outside your body. It was a racing, building dread, like something terrible was going to happen now, and your body was screaming at you to run. It was like being drowned, crushed, and suffocated all at the same time. It was like having knives driven in your chest that kept you from breathing. Like an elephant sitting on your chest. Like slogging through a minefield with every word, just trying to make it through a single sentence without slipping up.

Those weren't the silences she wanted to share with Jace. Those were silences you had with strangers, with the people you didn't like, with the people only talking to be polite. The silences she wanted with Jace were the ones they'd had at Glacier, when it was just the two of them, like they were the only two people in the world. They were the warm silences where you didn't need any words to feel comfortable.

This just felt like she was talking to her counselor.

She felt guilty all over again.

It was her fault for fucking up again.

The uncomfortable quiet was shattered by an uncomfortable opening. She'd never been good at social cues, but she knew enough to know that whatever he was about to say, it wasn't good. It was just something in his tone, something in the air, something about this stupid cavern that meant it couldn't be anything positive. They said that many gifted powers derived from specific, psychic abilities. Maybe it was something like that, an ESP she didn't know she had. A sixth sense.

The news drove a stake through her heart. She tore her gaze up from the cavern floor, unsure whether to step forward, step back, unsure if she should cry or... or what? Evelyn swallowed, her thoughts a maelstrom. Fuck... she couldn't fucking think like this.

Graduation. That didn't really surprise her. She hadn't been sure if it was this year or the next, but he was older, and he wouldn't be a student forever. But his mother, his father, his brother... Hell, all his friends. He had never seemed like the college type, so she guessed that he'd just stick nearby, and then... and then what?

Evelyn had always tried to focus on the present. The past was too full of stupid regrets, and thinking about the future wanted to make her bury her face in her pillows until it all went away. But now the future was coming for her, step by step, minute by minute, and it'd just screamed in her face.

She didn't know what to say. She never did. So she just asked the first thing that passed her lips.

"...w-will you?"

Her voice was a whisper, but it echoed in the hollow stillness of the cavern.

She didn't want to know the answer, but she couldn't stand another awkward silence.

His gaze had been glued to the ceiling of the cavern thoughtfully, thinking back on the school, on what it had meant to go there. Sofía Akadimía. Jason had been there once before with several others in the school, to help rid what was said to be a 'great evil'. If they'd gotten rid of it like it seemed, then they hadn't needed much of the student's help after all and they didn't stay long. And yet, even after all the time that passed, it was hard to forget the grand school - with it's towering pearl white buildings and seemingly ancient architecture.

His father had tried to pass it off as a great opportunity. An opportunity to live across the world, meet new people, and embrace a new culture; but even Jace could see past all that. The headmaster needed someone considered trustworthy, between both schools, to stay close to Sofia's headmistress and those around her, to patch together new relations between the schools. Who better to send as an emissary of good faith than your own son?

But his thoughts on the matter were to be expected. Even if only for a few months, it was a lot to leave behind. His golden gaze fell again, finding Evelyn's uncertain stare. She looked completely terrified of the idea. It was already tearing away at him before she'd even managed to get her few words out. His uneasy smiled returned, whatever irritation he felt before becoming quickly irrelevant. "I don't know yet." Jace tried his best to sound reassuring. "I'd never though, not if I could help it. Not while you're still here."

Even as he said these things, he felt guilty. If Jason were completely honest, he wasn't even sure that he had an actual choice in the matter. If he had it his way, he would've chosen to stay in town and become a guardian, like others who were graduating. But what then? He'd graduate to guardianship and be ordered to go to Europe anyways. What else could he do? Chill in a shack with Paul?

She'd never known what to expect out of this. Out of them. Evelyn never tried to think too hard about the future. The future was too full of problems that just worried at her brain and made her sick to her stomach, and 'tomorrow' always seemed so far away even if it was just around the corner, so it was easier to just put it out of your mind. Then it hit you like a ton of bricks, but it wasn't like she could change fate. But right now she was forced to think. Had she envisioned some fairy tale ending where they got a house and a dog and a white picket fence and lived happily ever after?

...Had she?

It was stupidly naive to not expect something like this coming between them. And it was so like her to ignore all the warning signs. Maybe, just for once, she hadn't wanted to be cynical and down on her hopes. Things wouldn't be perfect, but they'd carry on, and then she could be happy and loved and noticed. A person, not a ghost.

That was the problem with fairy tales, or maybe the problem with real life. Love never happened like it was supposed to. Life never happened like it was supposed to. Problems never happened like they were supposed to. After the climax, life never just stopped problem-free, like flipping a book closed. Without any friends, without any interests, without any talents, she'd always been drawn to books. Those were the times she could slip into someone else's shoes, someone else's skin, and live someone else's life. And then when it was all over, it was just over, happily ever after, and the rest was up to her imagination. She was guilty of that too, thinking up happy little resolutions for characters after the last page. They had a word for that. Escapism. It was just her running away from her own life to try and find something better.

His words barely reached her. Europe was so far away. There was that hope, that glimmer, that small glowing ember, but she already felt like everything between them was crumbling apart. And too late, Evelyn realized that he was everything to her. Without him, what else did she have?

Really, what else? Who else?

That didn't stop her from clinging onto the possibility of a happy-ever-after like a lifeline. If she read between the lines, she'd realize it was like a sailor in a storm clinging to some wreckage, but somehow she still dreamed the two of them could get out of this alive. That was something she'd always hated in books. A deus ex machina. Plot convenience was always so cheap. 'Things would never happen like that in real life...'

But Europe was so far away.

"Do..." She didn't know what she was saying, but it all came spilling out. "W-would you... W-will you... I..." Evelyn brought her arms together and hugged them to her chest. "I d-d-don't w-want you to..."

To go? To leave? To leave to Europe? To leave her? To graduate, to age, to move on with his life? To find someone new, someone better, someone exotic and exciting and beautiful and worth his time? To destroy this perfect little private life Evelyn had built up inside her head?

To forget her?

But she was so forgettable.

The fact that he'd even met her was a miracle. Evelyn couldn't explain the rest. It was just the fact that he said those stupid three words that made this so hard, to face the facts like she should've from the beginning. She was a Winter, a snowflake, and that'd always been her strength. And the fact was that she was a highschool girlfriend, and he was young and stunning and full of talent, and she would just hold him back.

And he'd already forgotten her once. Sooner, or later, he'd get tired of her. He'd get tired of her stuttering, tired of her blandness, tired of her plain looks and tired personality, tired of her drinking, tired of how clingy she could be. Evelyn got tired of just being herself every day. Jace was too good for her, and she had nothing to offer him. She'd always known that, but it took until just now to realize what it all meant. That's why she was so stupid for not thinking about the future and just drowning it away with beer and liquor.

That idiot, that amazing, kind, beautiful, wonderful idiot, would fight against going to Europe every step of the way if it meant he wouldn't have to leave her. But then something would happen, he would get tired of her, something would break them apart, and then he'd be standing there wondering why he didn't leave to Europe when he had the chance, and he'd wonder what held him back. And he wouldn't remember. She'd just be a hazy violet-eyed memory that lingered in the back of your mind like a word you couldn't think of. A headache.

Beata Academy was a school and Rosebury had to be the smallest town in one of the country's smallest states. There wasn't anything waiting for him here other than a comfy Guardianship. Europe was a continent full of opportunities and new people, and she was the anchor around his ankles. He deserved a life, and he deserved to be able to forget her. Maybe he wouldn't like it... but he wouldn't feel guilty after a little while. He'd be too caught up in an exciting new life somewhere else, and then she'd be gone from his memory.

She was sixteen, without a dream, without a goal, without a future. He wasn't.

So maybe that's what made her say it. Evelyn wasn't thinking anymore.

"I... d-d-don't w-want..." She clenched her eyes close to concentrate on spitting it all out. "... I d-d-don't want you t-to... t-to t-think about me..." That was eloquent as she could put it right now. Even something as basic and easy as speaking was too hard for her. "If... if your d-dad t-thinks it's good, t-t-then... y-y-you should j-just..."

Evelyn had to force herself to say it.

"...f-f-f-forget about me..."

That was for the best.

The darkness of the cavern was crushing her.

Do...? Would he...? She didn't want...?

Jason's eyes softened. She stuttered and stumbled on her words a lot, and maybe got emotional at times - even more-so than him, but it was hard to see how quickly her composure was crumbling. She near looked about ready to fall back off her own feet. There was only one time he could actually recall seeing her so distressed, that time in the gift mastery class... Jesus, how long ago had that been? It'd been such a painful experience, in more ways than one. He was surprised he didn't think of it more often... or ever.

Whatever anger or annoyance was left from their disagreement over the drinking was gone now. It was heartbreaking seeing her the way she was, and he took a few steps closer to her, reaching an arm out to pull her closer. "It'll be alright, Eve. Don't worry." He tried to say, "I don't want to go either. We'll figure something out."

He knew it was wrong of him to put off telling her for so long. The longer he waited though, the easier it had all seemed in his head, at first anyways. Jace would've much rather preferred them spending as much of the summer as they could happy together, not solemn and upset, waiting for the inevitable leave. He was afraid what time they had left would be spoiled.

Jason would've never guessed, no matter how badly he thought things would turn out, that she'd want her to forget about him. "You don't mean that," he said. His smile began to waver. There was no way she could really want that, he told himself. The words still felt like a cold stab to his gut. "Come on, Snowflake. My dad doesn't know a thing. I'll never forget about you."

He couldn't wait a moment longer, wrapping his arms around her again in a strong embrace, and praying silently that she wouldn't try to pull away again. "Don't ever say shit like that."